What is life: Does one have a control over it?

I haven’t found out the answer as of now. Another question that bugged me since childhood has been that, who am I? Am I the person who owns this body or much more? Why am I doing this and not that? Maybe the questions aren’t clear to me as it was then. Ok, many people will be saying that you are being philosophical and search for a spiritual guru. May be someday I will search for him too. But as of now I wish that I had some easy lucid fast convincing answers. Just like the scientific queries. Irrefutable logics is what I am asking for now. May be I am asking too much. But then I would love to have that Brahm gyaan.

May be I am deviating from the topic title but I think that all things are interrelated if one looks closely. But the thing that inspired me to post was a simple drudgery of life. Is one life one’s own. Why that one is has to run the rat race. Why one has to even if he doesn’t want to.

I wanted a real free life away from the pressures that you should do this and not that. I wished to join some Ashram when I was young, wasn’t allowed (maybe it was right for me from my parent’s perspective). I wanted to do farming so that I don’t have to run rat race. I always imagined what a life would have been at the iron-age civilization. I know that it would have been tough to survive. Diseases epidemics, predators etc, but worth a try just imagine! Leave difficulties alone for a moment what was a life gathering food and lying just under the sun. Quite close to monkey’s lives.

I know that there is also a race of mating, food. But then I would trade sex any day with a life without strings. May be you will say that I am being an escapist. May be, I am, but then maybe not. I just want to live a life where I don’t have to prove myself every time. I want to be as natural as I am, always. Way away from external influences.

What I think that I a looking for a life in which you have no responsibilities. Be it as a father, brother, friend or son. Every time I wish to do something out of the world and have real intention in doing so. Either I am directly stopped or now being considered grown up is more often emotionally black-mailed. I think that right now it’s only my parents whom I am answerable to. And even them I am not able to break fee. Later in life the bonds will be more rigid. How will I be able to break free then? Seems that I will have to do it sooner or stop worrying on that count. I want to lead a life of anonymity. And not be judged from what I have achieved materialistically. Do not try to judge me every time. Don’t expect me to follow what all people. In short I don’t want to be conformist.

Maybe you all will be thinking that what rubbish I have written above. So be it, I can’t help it. In starting I have written the questions aren’t clear to me and so have to forget the answer. This was the closest that I could get closest to my dilemma. So if you don’t get it don’t ponder much, I am still trying to figure it out. It’s written just for the sake that whenever I re-read this post some points may get clearer, to me, in due course of time.